Bumper Sticker Wisdom (Open Thread)

“The early bird may get the worm,
but it’s the second mouse that gets the cheese.”

So You Want To Be A Villain?

Your one-stop source for all your villainy needs:

Everything you need to be a successful supervillain in today’s anti-terrorism climate! Not only does this site offer the very best in evil weaponry and secret lairs, it provides the most useful tips to set you on your way on your quest to take over the world!

Just look at this example of the great tips, compiled by some of the most evil masterminds of our time:

Helpful Tip: Make your mantrap escape-proof.

There are two kinds of traps; incarceration traps, and deathtraps. Whichever kind of trap you decide to employ against your do-gooder foe, be sure to follow the Cardinal Rule of Traps:

TRAPS SHOULD BE ESCAPE PROOF!

And just calling a trap ‘escape proof’ doesn’t cut the mustard. If your trap requires the presence of henchpersons to prevent escape, it is not escape-proof. If a trapped individual can foil the trap using a laser watch or a belt grapple, it is not escape proof. That’s why all my traps vaporize the hero instantly. Fuck ’em, I say — I’ll explain my evil schemes to my cat.

— Baron Devastation, The Brotherhood of Genetic Impurity

Iowahawk: ACORN Files Voting Rights Suit on Behalf of Imaginary-Americans

Breaking from the Iowahawk News Cartel: ACORN Files Voting Rights Suit on Behalf of Imaginary-Americans.

ST. LOUIS – Attorneys for the voting registration organizations ACORN and Project Vote filed an anti-discrimination voting rights suit in the U.S. Federal District court this morning, alleging the United States government is involved in “a widespread, systematic effort to disenfranchise Imaginary-Americans and deprive them of access to polls.”

“Participation in our electoral process is a fundamental right, and the foundation of our democracy,” said ASDF ASDFG, a spokesperson for the National Association for the Advancement of Imaginary People, one of the groups named as plaintiffs in the class action. “We will not be silent when government denies people access to the polls on the basis of color, or sex, or existential status.”

Iowahawk: Council Demands Palin Ouster from Fallout Shelter

Sometimes the hawk’s talons are sharp, like razors: Council Demands Palin Ouster from Fallout Shelter.

Newark, Blast Ring 4: Radioactive mutants from the National Jewish Democratic Council today tapped an angry Morse code press release message on the lid of the fallout shelter of another Jewish organization, demanding that it “immediately disinvite” controversial Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin from its fortified underground bunker.

“As an evangelical extremist Republican, Sarah Palin is no friend to surviving American Jews, or the former country of Israel,” said NJDC chairman Mark Stanley. “Allowing Palin into a Jewish refugee shelter creates not only a partisan circus, but a health hazard for fellow Jews who will be exposed to her dangerous Alaska redneck cooties.”

A spokes-tapper from the organization, the Conference of Presidents of Major American Jewish Organizations, defended the invitation of Palin to the join the group in the bunker, noting it had given similar invitations to several Democratic politicians after former Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad appeared at the United Nations last week strapped with a 50-megaton nuclear device. However, all of the Democratic invitees canceled under pressure from the NDJC.

“Just because Senators Clinton and Schumer were vaporized in the attack last week is no excuse for you to continue hosting Sarah Palin,” responded Stanley. “It is an affront to all Jews that you would actually share your freeze-dried kreplatch and tzimmes with this dangerous meshuggah shiksa.”

Read the whole thing…

(hat tip) Chas@LGF)

Iowahawk: The Idiossey

An appropriately Greek treatment of the epic saga of Obamacles: The Idiossey.

Book the First: A question for the Muse

Speak to me, O Muse, of this resourceful man
who strides so boldly upon the golden shrine at Invescos,
Between Ionic plywood columns, to the kleig light altar.
Fair Obamacles, favored of the gods, ascends to Olympus
Amidst lusty tributes and the strumming lyres of Media;
Their mounted skyboxes echo with the singing of his name
While Olbermos and Mattheus in their greasy togas wrassle
For first honor of basking in their hero’s reflected glory.
Who is this man, so bronzed in countenance,
So skilled of TelePrompter, clean and articulate
whose ears like a stately urn’s protrude?
So now, daughter of Zeus, tell us his story.
And just the Cliff Notes if you don’t mind,
We don’t have all day.

Said the Muse:

I will tell the story of Obamacles through my scribe Iowahawk.
But this sh*t is copyrighted, so reproduce at your peril.

(Hat tip:Chucke the Cult Leader)

Thwow him to the floor!

Friends of Charles arrested at Disney

Ok, Charles has nothing to with this. But he’s an impostor like the people here. He wears a costume pretending to be an anti-Jihadist. He’s a false prophet.

32 Protesters Arrested in Disney Labor Dispute

Mickey Mouse is more real than Charles Johnson. At least we know Mickey is fictional. Charles pretends to be real.